I was raised in a family where I experienced physical, verbal and mental abuse; not unlike 85% of all families on the earth that experience some form of dysfunction.  My father had the spirit of alcoholism which opened the door for the devil to come in and create absolute chaos.

 

I have since learned that one of the greatest tricks of the devil is to remain hidden; this way people will blame God for all the ills of the world instead of he who creates them; the great deceiver. This way the devil causes people to turn away from God; their only shelter from the storms of this world.

All of this led me to a life of self struggle. 

I had chosen to distance myself from God because of my life's experiences; for my anger and disappointments led me to doubt, question and even blame God. 

God doesn't leave us; we leave Him.  It is impossible for him to leave us for he is the very air we breathe.

There were three specific episodes in my life when I found myself asking God these questions:

My childhood: "How could you let me be physically and verbally abused by my very own father, the one who is supposed to love and protect me?" 

My sexual orientation: "How could you make me gay in a society that discriminates against gay people; even certain pastors and preachers who call themselves Holy men of God say that homosexuals are an abomination according to your word in the Holy Bible?"

My first love: "How could you let my heart be broken when all I did was love him? I completely opened up to him and gave him my entire heart, everything I had; and pain and suffering is what I receive in return for giving my love?"

In the sea of self pity and victimization I found myself swimming in, I felt like my major dreams; life partner and career, had been shattered in mid air like ducks at a shooting gallery.  I was exhausted; I felt as though all the air had been let out of my tires.

My lack of knowledge and understanding of God's word led me to make decisions that would lead me deeper into a circle of insanity, darkness. 

I believe that the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results; not unlike a dog chasing its' tail.  Many of us are doing this in our daily lives; unconsciously.  When a human does the sames things over and over again life becomes robotic; lifeless.  We literally become sleep walkers thinking were awake!

Externally it appeared that I was living an exceptional life having built a successful sales career, traveling the county, living on the beach with many friends and family who loved me.

Sure, I had all of those things and they were nice; yet there was a void inside of me that none of it could fill.  There was this aching emptiness inside of me that seem to gnaw at me.

This would eventually lead me to a life season consisting of the abuse of marijuana, ecstasy, crystal methane, alcohol and sex.  I just kept searching for new ways to medicate myself for I always needed something more or someone new, so I could avoid facing my problems. 

One night I was driving home through the mountains after being up all weekend at a circuit party (sex, drugs and loud techno music) in Palm Springs. I was finally tired of being tired and cried out to God.  God was right there waiting for me as he is all of us. He had me review my weekend in my mind but this time I was on the outside looking in.  I saw how sad, empty and meaningless the entire experience was.  I buckled over behind the wheel as I felt an overwhelming emptiness come upon me. In my moment of self realization I pulled the car over to the side of the road and wept.  When I pulled my head up from out of my lap, I acknowledged the beauty and wonder of the mountains that surrounded me, it was so awesome and peaceful. 

In this moment I told God that I give up, that I was tired of being tired.  I told him that I knew that his intention for my life was much greater than I was experiencing.  I asked God to teach me how life works.  When the student is ready the teacher appears!  God led me to a teacher which He would use to transform my life 180 degrees!

God helped me to realize that I did not like myself.  HE helped me to realize that I wanted to kill myself; why else would anyone be doing the things I was doing? 

HE explained everything to me so I could understand my life in order to forgive myself and others; in order to turn it around; in order to set myself free from myself.

The truth shall set you free; it did me!

He helped me to realize that the world is but a major battle of spiritual warfare; that God and the devil are vying for our souls. 

For the first time in my life at age 40, I truly loved who I was!  I loved me!

I am "Saul to Paul".  That is exactly what God has done for me and how He has transformed my life.  I use to do the devils bidding and now I work for the one and only Almighty Lord of all creation; God!  HE has made me a "fisher of men."

Because of Jesus Christ I now live in the "Green pastures next to the still waters". I am now an instrument for God to help others find true love, the peace and the joy of the Lord.

The old me was crucified with Christ and now it is HE who lives within me! 

This scripture form the Holy Bible sums it all up perfectly. 

Timothy 1: 12 -14

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he consider me faithful, appointing me to his service.  Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man; I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief.  The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

This is true of all who choose to become born again in the spirit of Christ Jesus.  God only wants us to  believe HIM.  HE came as Christ to live and die for us; to grant us eternal life with HIM forever.  HE gave us the free to choose.

God says that man's heart is like a raging sea; constantly going back and forth and up and down.  Jesus is the only way to calm the seas my friends.

God has put a void into every heart that can only be filled by Him with His Holy Spirit through His only begotten son Jesus Christ!

I am living proof!  Praise God!  In Jesus name!

Bill