I was raised in a family where I experienced physical, verbal and mental abuse; not unlike 80% of all families on the earth that experience some form of dysfunction do to the lack of God’s knowledge and wisdom.

 

I am extremely grateful for this and to everyone who has ever crossed my path on this journey; for everyone and everything I have ever experienced have led me straight into the arms of God!

Everyone on the planet is doing the best they can with the knowledge they have.

I am especially grateful to my birth family; I thank God for my parents, brothers and sisters and the roles they have and continue to play in my life journey.  In God I have leaned not only do I love them, I like them!

My parents raised me in a similar fashion to how they were raised, it is what they where taught.  They were brought up devout Catholics and believe in God but did not have a true personal relationships with Him for they did not know how.  I attended Catholic school from first to twelfth grades and  what I was taught, heard, saw and experienced were so conflicting I was completely confused.  I always believed in God; but did not know much about Him.  I knew absolutely nothing about the devil except that he was red and had horns and a tail.

I have since learned that one of the greatest tricks of the devil is to remain hidden; this way people will blame God for all the ills of the world instead of he who creates them.  This way the devil causes people to turn away from God; their only shelter from the storms of this world.

The trials and tribulations of raising seven children without having Gods word as the foundation of the family leaves the door wide open for the enemy to enter with its' insane chaos. There hence the insanity of my childhood and the foundation for my dysfunctional life.  I was raised by a father who had the spirit of alcoholism. 

(Please keep in mind that this is written with love; their is no negativity here, only truth.  By the grace of Gods knowledge and truth my  heart has been healed and I live absolutely in the presence of HIS love.)

The lack of knowledge of Gods truth, love and wisdom in my life, led me to a life of self struggle. Even though I was raised Catholic and believed in God; what I was taught and what I experienced were very different things. I was confused.  My personal experience of the Catholic Church was very mechanical, robotic, lifeless and hypocritical.   

I had distanced myself from God because of my life's experiences; for my anger and disappointments led me to doubt, question and even blame God.

There were three specific episodes in my life when I found myself asking God these questions:

My childhood: "How could you let me be physically and verbally abused by my very own father, the one who is supposed to love and protect me?" 

My sexual orientation: "How could you make me gay in a society that discriminates against gay people; even certain pastors and preachers who call themselves Holy men of God say that we are an abomination according to your word in the Holy Bible?"

My first love: "How could you let my heart be broken when all I did was love him? I completely opened up to him and gave my entire heart, everything I had; and pain and suffering is what I receive in return for giving my love?"

In the sea of self pity and victimization I found myself swimming in, I felt like my major dreams, companionship and career, had been shattered in mid air like ducks at a shooting gallery.  I was exhausted; I felt as though all the gas had been let out of my tires.

My lack of knowledge and understanding of God's word led me to make decisions that would lead me deeper into a circle of insanity, darkness. 

I believe that the true definition of insanity is doing the same thing expecting different results; not unlike a dog chasing its' tail.  Many of us are doing this in our daily lives; unconsciously.

Externally it appeared that I was living an exceptional life having built an extremely successful sales career, traveling the county, living on the beach with a large group of friends and family who loved me.

Sure, I had all of those things and they were nice; yet there was a void inside of me that none of it could fill. 

I did not like being gay.  This would eventually lead me to a life season consisting of the abuse of marijuana, ecstasy, crystal methane, alcohol and sex.  I just kept searching for new ways to medicate myself for I always needed something more or new so I could avoid facing my problem. 

One night I was driving home through the mountains after being up all weekend at a circuit party (sex, drugs and loud techno music) in Palm Springs. I believe that I was so physically and mentally exhausted that my soul finally had a chance to get my attention.  My soul asked me to review my weekend in my mind but this time I was on the outside looking in.  I saw how sad, empty and meaningless the entire experience was.  I buckled over behind the wheel as I felt an overwhelming emptiness come upon me. In my moment of self realization I pulled the car over to the side of the road and wept.  When I pulled my head up from out of my lap, I acknowledged the beauty and wonder of the mountains that surrounded me, it was so beautiful and peaceful. 

At this time I told God that I give up, that I was tired of being tired.  I told him that I knew that his intention for my life was much greater than I was experiencing.  I asked God to show me how life works.  When the teacher is ready the student appears!  God led me to a teacher in which He would use to transform my life 180 degrees!

God helped me to realize that I did not like who I was.  HE explained everything to me so I could understand my life in order to forgive myself and others.  For the first time in my life at age 40, I truly loved myself!

I am "Saul to Paul".  That is exactly what God has done for me and how He has transformed my life.  I use to do the devils bidding and now I work for the one and only Almighty Lord of all creation; God!  HE has made me a "fisher of men."

Because of Jesus Christ I now live in the "Green pastures next to the still waters". I am now an instrument for God to help others find true love, the peace and the joy of the Lord.

God says that man's heart is like a raging sea; constantly going back and forth and up and down.  Jesus is the only way to calm the seas my friends.

I am living proof!  Praise God!